


Vigils

by SeriousMelAM



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Sleep, Sleep Deprivation, Spoilers for A Choice With No Regrets, Spoilers for the manga through chapter 55
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-01-15 00:23:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1284304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeriousMelAM/pseuds/SeriousMelAM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Levi was concerned sleep could, at the very least, wait until he was certain Erwin would live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Votive

**Author's Note:**

> Hugs and thanks to poco-loki for being excited to read this after my hasty blurb in her ask box. There is probably no greater motivator for me than knowing someone else is excited to see something I have done.
> 
> Also deserving of thanks is my Fuzz, who takes on the roles of task master, custodian of distractions, and ruthless editor with grace and aplomb.

In the best of times what Levi does in the deep hours of the night can only barely be qualified as sleep. Sleep carries the connotation of rest and rejuvenation. The snorting, twitching performance Levi was prone to giving was often hard-pressed to produce such results. He struggles to fall asleep and wakes at the slightest provocation, but such things happen when undisturbable slumber can spell a knife between the ribs.

As such in the days following the sighting of titans within the confines of Wall Rose, when the world was all fear and mad speculation and Erwin lay in hospital on the delicate edge of life, Levi thought nothing of the fact that in four days he had slept a nonconsecutive four hours.

There were things that needed attending to, grounded though he was.  Things which could be accomplished on sheer adrenaline and purpose. And where Levi was concerned sleep could, at the very least, wait until he was certain Erwin would live.

He visited many times while Erwin was still comatose from blood loss, stolen moments which could have been spent sleeping. He sat by the commander’s bedside and watched, hawkeyed, for the stuttered rise and fall of the other man’s chest, never letting his eyes stray too far to Erwin’s right.

Most of his scant sleep was attained in the chair by that bed, slumped down so far that his knees actually bent. Always short naps that left him feeling worse than before. He would wake in the dark and panic would well up inside of him, because half asleep in moon dappled shadow it was too easy to imagine that Erwin had stopped breathing. Vigilance was easier.

The days pressed on, and four days turned into five, and five into six. Nearly a week and still only the barest signs of improvement from Erwin. That night Levi sat up well past midnight watching Erwin twist and fret in the clutches of a freshly resurgent fever. An unending parade of clean, damp cloths and his presence were all Levi could offer. So he sat and watched, and made sure there was some sheet in Erwin’s hand when he clenched it so hard that all of the color went out of the knuckles and the tendons strained at the skin.

Moans and half formed words bubbled from between chapped lips and more than once Levi was called to sharp attention by something that sounded almost like his name. There was no lucidity behind the sounds, yet all the same the syllables of his name in Erwin’s voice sent an electric charge through him, igniting hope and despair all at once.

As night was beginning its arc toward dawn the fever broke. Erwin’s muttering trailed off and he slipped back into a deeper but undoubtedly no less troubled sleep. For over an hour Levi sat with the other man’s large, limp hand cradled in his lap, his fingers pressed to the inside of Erwin’s wrist, lips moving silently as he counted each heart beat.

Keeping count quickly became a farce, because in his blood deep fatigue the numbers ran together.   He found himself skipping numbers or repeating himself. His eyes were burning and his body seemed to be full of a strange low buzzing.

He lifted Erwin’s hand and pressed his lips to the valley between the knuckles of the ring and middle fingers before gently placing it on the bed. For a moment he considered the sliver of open space beside Erwin, but decided against it and instead folded himself onto the couch. Due in part to his massive sleep debt he was out almost as soon as he closed his eyes.

 

_Clammy wind rushing past his face. Wind heavy with the stench of human waste, and rot, and mildew.  The shadows of a girl and a boy. The girl’s laughter. His own grough reply. A glimpse of wings, of calculating blue eyes._

_Blinding, brilliant sunlight and blood and screams that ended with sick and abrupt finality._

_A heavy, painful crunch._

 

Levi woke with his shoulder and injured ankle telegraphing pain through his whole body. His uneasy sleep had thrown him clear off the edge of the couch, the last collision of his nightmare made manifest. He pressed his face into the palms of his hands to clear his eyes before looking around. The room was no lighter. He closed his eyes, the lids twitching, breathing in slowly through his nose, and then stood.

The chair by Erwin’s side was rigid and hard, but it was right. He threaded his fingers between Erwin’s. Leaning forward he rested his head on the mattress, and closed his eyes to wait for morning.

 

***

 

When Erwin finally did wake Levi was in the city putting the finishing touches on the arrangements for his new squad and their quarters. Requisitions of rations and supplies, travel plans. Things which his long years in the Corps had made routine. He was finishing a transaction when a small girl, barefoot but conspicuously well scrubbed, brought him the news.

He crouched down and placed a heavy gold coin in the girl’s hand, “This time, buy some shoes.”

“I did buy shoes last time. For little brother.” The girl’s face was solemn.

Levi pulled another coin from his pocket and stacked it atop the one the girl already held. “This time you buy yourself some shoes. Am I understood?”

The girl nodded, all wide eyes and wonder, before dashing out the door.

 

***

 

The lobby of the hospital was strangely empty given that so many people had been waiting on Erwin’s waking. The nurse at the desk greeted him with a smile and said, “He was asking for you.”

“He was?”

“Oh yes, almost the first words out of him.”

Levi merely blinked at this and opened the door to Erwin’s room. The curtains had been pulled back letting in the bright afternoon light. Erwin was sitting propped up on a small mountain of pillows. He looked ragged and scruffy, but the dullness of pain and fever were nowhere to be seen. His eyes were sharp and clear, and when they fixed on Levi a small measure of darkness flitted away.Though it seeped back in as he took in Levi’s appearance.

“You haven’t been sleeping.” His voice had a rough, tortured quality to it.

It wasn’t a question or even an accusation, just a statement. The type Erwin was so good at making because no matter how anyone tried he could always see what they least wanted him to.

Levi didn’t rise to it. Instead he crossed to Erwin’s bedside and took the other man’s face between his hands. Erwin’s skin was warm under his calloused fingers and his pulse, though somewhat erratic, was very much there.

“You haven’t been keeping off your ankle either.”

Levi made no motion of response. He only continued to stare into Erwin’s face. The man had twisted out of death’s grip. He was weak from blood loss, but alive and undoubtedly already plotting.  Yet he was focused on Levi’s condition over his own.

“I’m alive Levi.”

At those words Levi crushed his mouth to Erwin’s, as though he still disbelieved and only this could prove otherwise. Erwin responded in kind, his left hand gripping the back of Levi’s head to steady himself.

It wasn’t long before Erwin was short of breath and he pulled away, his face distorted by pain. He let out a husky laugh and said, “I’m alive, but I feel like I’ve been trampled by an entire stable’s worth of horses.”

Levi’s face grew grim at Erwin’s attempt at humor. “You stupid asshole.” He pushed a stray piece of Erwin’s hair behind his ear. “Go out without me one time and get bits of yourself eaten off. Fucking stupid asshole.”

Levi sunk to the edge of the mattress, suddenly feeling the weight of his sleepless week. His head dipped forward to rest against Erwin’s left shoulder. “Fucking stupid asshole.”

Erwin’s hand was on the back of his neck again. Large and warm, and rough skinned. With his face buried in the commander’s chest, the smell of his skin and clean shirt blotted out everything else. He could feel his eyelids growing heavy, could feel his brain going fuzzy, his thoughts unfocused.

He could sleep. Erwin Smith, stupid fucking asshole that he was, was alive. He could feel Erwin’s face pressed into his hair. Feel his breath on his scalp. Erwin was saying something in a low voice Levi couldn’t hear.

He could sleep right there.

 

But then there was a knock at the door, and Levi jerked upright. He inhaled sharply through his nose, chasing all traces of fatigue and near sleep from his demeanor.

He crossed the room, missing the look of concern that transited Erwin’s face, and opened the door. Commander Pixis greeted him with a hearty bark of a laugh before turning to a harried looking young woman in a Stationary Guard uniform standing just behind him.

“What did I tell you Barthes? Pay up,” Pixis said, holding out a weathered hand to his aide. She begrudgingly pulled a flask from her jacket pocket and handed it over.

Levi stepped aside to let them in, as Pixis uncapped the flask and took a long pull. The Garrison Commander took up a perch on the couch on the left side of the room leaving Levi to return to his chair at Erwin’s bedside.

“Some kind of wager?” Erwin asked as Barthes plucked the flask from Pixis’ hand just before he could take a second drink.

“Oh I was just telling Barthes that the Captain would beat us here. She thought we would be the first ones here seeing as we had a runner direct from the hospital.”

Levi lifted his gaze from the floor to raise an eyebrow. Pixis only answered this inquiry with a wink. Levi’s eyes narrowed but Pixis had carried on to the official business at hand.

“You’re looking quite well, all things considered Smith. Though I’m afraid the briefing I’ve got for you might take some of the color out of you again.”

 

***

 

The afternoon became a parade of briefings as word spread that the Commander of the Survey Corps was well enough for official visits. Levi held back some surprise that no gawkers had turned out. No smug noblemen flexing their political muscle in order to get a good long sneer in at the lunatic who was in charge of throwing their money away.

The day’s lack of incidents was a rare blessing.  Given Levi’s state of increased agitation it was unlikely that such an encounter would fail to end in dire upset. Infact the visitors had all made their reports and gone on their way as other duties called, even Hanji.

Regardless, it was a long afternoon and they did not find themselves alone again until the room was full of the golden light of sunset.  Whatever spell had overtaken Levi earlier in the day did not return. He was wearier than he could ever remember being, and with the implications of all that he had heard whirling through his brain he didn’t imagine that he would have many opportunities for good sleep anytime soon.  

The stillness of dusk was heavy in the air between them.

“When are you leaving?”

Levi closed his eyes. “Tomorrow morning. First thing.”

“Good. Waiting this long was stretching it.”

Levi’s eyes caught the light when he opened them to glare at Erwin. Erwin knew why he held off leaving. He knew why all but the last arrangements have all been made. He knew and he was pushing just to make Levi say it, and Levi was not about to give him the satisfaction. Neither would Levi make some mealy-mouthed attempt to disguise his motivations with lies about concerns for the chain of command. He knew his place too well for that to sound anything but disingenuous.

Instead of saying anything he allowed his glare to mellow into a scowl directed more vaguely toward the view out the window.

“Levi.”

That same electric current from the night before thrummed through his body and he looked back at Erwin’s face. There was still stubble on his cheeks and his hair was a mass of fluff transforming into a halo as it caught the golden light of the waning day. The residual humming in Levi’s nerves turned into an ache which made him wish he had never seen the other man.

“You can’t make that ride on no sleep.”

“I’ve managed worse.” He kept his voice flat in defiance of the heat in the pit of his guts.

“You need to sleep Levi.”

His name again. Of course Erwin had already seen the effect it had. He wondered if Erwin was even conscious of the way he read people.

“I’ll be fine.”

Erwin shifted on the bed, opening more space on his right. He bobbed his head in a beckoning gesture.  

“Come lay down. Sleep.”

Levi’s eyes flicked from the rumpled sheets to Erwin’s bandaged shoulder and said, “Other side.”

“Hm?”

Levi stood and walked around to the other side of the bed. “You’ve seen me sleep. Do you want me to punch you in the fucking stump?”

Erwin laughed a little at this, but he moved so that the extra space was on his left.

Nodding, Levi slipped off his shoes and removed his belt before he climbed onto the bed. His body fit beside Erwin’s so well. His head cradled in the crook of the other man’s neck and shoulder, the jut of his hip meeting the slight inward curve of Erwin’s stomach, his feet falling somewhere past Erwin’s knees.

As he settled into the mattress, squirming to find a comfortable position a muttered chorus of doubting voices swelled up in his mind. They pointed out every absurd reason why sleeping there and then was an action of pure folly. But Erwin’s hand was smoothing his hair down and with his ear pressed to Erwin’s chest the sound of his heartbeat was all encompassing, a slow and steady rhythm that perfectly drowned out the fretting.

His breathing was evening out, and the urge to let his eyes close was becoming unresistable. He tilted his head back so that he could look up into Erwin’s face. He reached up a hand to cup the curve of Erwin’s jaw, the week old stubble still viciously sharp.

“You’re still a stupid fucking asshole.” His voice was low, and carried no malice.

Erwin smiled at this.

“I know.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Levi’s forehead.

The world was darkening both outside the window and inside Levi’s head, and as he lost focus his mouth made the motions of another phrase. This one tainted Erwin’s smile with a stain of sadness, but once again he kissed Levi’s forehead and repeated in a low whisper, “I know.”   

But Levi couldn’t hear it because he was already asleep.


	2. Elevation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An otherwise unremarkable evening before the fall of Wall Maria.
> 
> “You’re telling me I have no choice in any of this. You and the King say I’m a captain, so I’m a captain and I have to be responsible for other people’s lives and I get no say in it at all.”

_Before the fall of Wall Maria_

* * *

 

The door to Commander Shadis’s office was standing ajar, lamplight spilling out into the darkened corridor. Although Levi had been sent for he knocked lightly with the back of his hand. He waited, hoping that no answer would come and he could retreat back down the hall unseen and avoid whatever it was Shadis wanted just a while longer. But Shadis heard his knock and called for him to enter, thwarting any prospect of further postponement.

Levi shouldered open the door but stopped only halfway into the room, a muttered curse on his lips. His surprise and consternation came not from the commander, but from his company. Erwin was standing respectfully to one side. As was usual, he was perfectly quaffed, perfectly at attention and his face was set in a well practiced, neutral mask meant to betray nothing.

Levi’s eyes narrowed at the sight of him, and his fingers began slowly curling and uncurling at his sides. Whatever reason Erwin had for being there was not likely to be something that Levi would find agreeable. Even with only a short history between them Levi was already well familiar with his special brand of manipulation and as such his mere presence was enough to ignite suspicion.

Erwin took notice of his eyes on him and tipped his head in a salutatory gesture. Levi sneered in response, genuinely considering the consequences of just turning and leaving. He didn’t get long to consider though because Shadis noticed that he was still lingering half in the hall and said, “Come in already and shut the damn door.”

He did as ordered and closed the door with barely a click before stepping into the center of the room, head held high in an attempt to trick his own body back into a calm state that was rapidly slipping away. He pressed his hands against his thighs to keep them still, furious at himself for this small lack of control in the the face of Erwin’s composure.

“Take a seat lieutenant,” Shadis said, laying down a thick sheaf of papers he had been perusing when Levi arrived.

“I'd prefer to stand,” Levi said, his voice flat. Sitting would put Erwin behind him, and he wanted to keep an eye on him.

“Suit yourself,” Shadis said. “This shouldn’t take long anyway.”

He slid an official looking document to the top of the stack on his desk. Levi strained to read it but the combination of distance and overly ornate calligraphy made it impossible.

Shadis cleared his throat, a deep racking sound, and squinting to read from the paper said, “It is my honor and duty as Commander of the Survey Corps, in service to our King and humanity, to offer you an officer’s commission with the rank of Captain, to be effective immediately upon your acceptance of this missive.”

He cleared his throat once more and looked up from the paper. From his reaction Levi’s tightlipped, pallid expression was not what he had expected to see.

Levi looked from Shadis to Erwin, fighting down the taste of bile on the back of his tongue, waiting for either of them to reveal this all as a joke. But no such revelation came, and so with his eyes fixed on Erwin, because he knew the true source of this, he said, “No. I refuse.” Then turning to Shadis, “I decline. I can do that right? That’s what ‘upon your acceptance’ means.”

“That’s not really how it works, no,” Shadis said, his typical scowl slipping onto his face with the ease of long years of practice.

Levi scowled in return. His left shoulder was beginning to hitch higher and higher as the muscles tightened. One small blessing was that his fingers had stopped fidgeting, though now his hands were balled into tense fists, his short nails digging into the flesh of his palms. When he spoke again his voice sounded to him as though it were coming from somewhere far off. “You’re telling me I have no choice in any of this.  You and the King say I’m a captain, so I’m a captain and I have to be responsible for other people’s lives and I get no say in it at all.”

“Yeah pretty much,” Shadis said without an ounce of sympathy.

A vague unpleasant stirring of nausea welled up in Levi’s stomach and he had to swallow hard to steady himself. He glanced briefly toward Erwin and found that his cool expression had slipped allowing something resembling concern to show through. He had to fight back a measure of surprise but despite his efforts a frown of confusion creased his forehead.

“It’s not much of a secret that we’re typically hurting for competent leaders on all fronts. And you have one of the best field records I’ve ever seen,” Shadis said. “Everything else about you considered, I think I’d almost rather see you hanged, but you’re just too damn good at killing titans for me to let that happen.”

Levi’s head cleared a little and his posture stiffened at the mention of execution. He wondered vaguely if such threats were something he would ever escape. “If it’s not, ‘take the promotion or die’ there has to be something else. I mean I’ll fight. I’ll still fight. Point the way and I’ll kill any titans in my path no complaints. Just don’t put me in charge of anyone else.” The desperation was thick in his voice but he didn’t even care.

He stared at Shadis, his hands trembling, his lips pressed into a thin line. Inside he was pleading to god or anything willing to take pity on him.

To his great displeasure, his only intercession came in the form of Erwin Smith, who stepped forward and said, “If you’ll excuse it sir, I seem to recall that there **is** a provision in the regulations for a soldier to turn down an offered promotion.”

Shadis nodded, not looking the least bit impressed by this information.

Levi on the other hand had been overtaken by a spectacular bout of impatience. “Well? What is it?” he demanded.

“A soldier can refuse a promotion if, and only if, they can furnish evidence of a shortcoming which would render them unfit for higher service.” He said it slowly as though he were taking great pains to recall the exact wording.

Levi frowned at this and said, “I take it not wanting the job isn’t one of the traits the military accepts as ‘rendering someone unfit for higher service.’”

“Unfortunately, no,” Erwin said.

“And what **are** the traits?” Levi asked through the clenched teeth of an unkind smile.

Erwin bowed his head a little as though in apology and said, “The official regulations only offer suggestions, cowardice, indecorum, lawlessness, but…”

“But what?” Levi demanded, all of his focus on Erwin who was returning his gaze, with a strange pained expression.

“But,” Commander Shadis said. He had the book of regulations open before him on the desk with his finger on the page likely marking the statute in question. “The commander issuing the promotion has final judgement on whether such evidence marks an inability to execute the duties of the offered rank.”

Levi’s face fell, all of the anger draining away leaving him feeling hollow and numb. Each breath came easy and slow. He closed his eyes and said, “Meaning, no matter what I say you’ll just dismiss it.”

“You could try and cook up something really good, but I’ll know you’re lying,” Shadis replied.

Levi stepped toward the desk, still feeling very numb, though underneath it he could feel the stirrings of a black,  viscous rage. “I have to sign something right?”

He held out a hand and Shadis gave him a fountain pen. Then he indicated the place on the form where Levi should make his mark.

His hand surprisingly steady, Levi scratched out the letters and then set set down the pen with an audible click.

Shadis looked over the paperwork and signed it himself before shuffling it away. Then looking up at Levi, who had the appearance of a man about to be very ill, said, “Congratulations Captain, I'll expect a list of names for your perspective squad on my desk by this time tomorrow.  You’re dismissed.”

Levi nodded wearily and left, not bothering to salute and very deliberately not looking at Erwin. Though if he had he would have seen the same look of concern which Erwin had worn earlier.

 

***

 

Once Levi’s footsteps had receded down the hall Erwin turned to Shadis and said, “I honestly did not expect that. My apologies, sir.”

Shadis shrugged in reply. “How many soldiers have you known who really wanted to be in command?”

“I did,” Erwin said feeling somewhat abashed.

“Yeah, well you’re a unique case Smith. With most people if they jump on a promotion like it’s some kind of treat I would recommend giving them a wide berth. And maybe not giving them any power ever.”

“I didn’t think that he would be pleased at all, but I also didn’t expect anything quite so…” Erwin trailed off deciding not to voice the remainder of the thought.

Shadis shrugged again. “Either he’ll warm up to it or something will happen to make it a non issue. Nature of the beast.”

Erwin nodded, though he was feeling rather distracted.

“If you don’t mind sir, I think I’d like to turn in for the evening.”

Shadis nodded, waving his hand. “Of course. Dismissed. Good night Smith.”

With a salute Erwin took his leave of the commander.

The corridors were quiet and as he walked his only companions were his thoughts and the memory of Levi’s face. Levi’s face as he had looked upon hearing the news of his promotion. His normally pale skin ashen, his pupils contracted to pin pricks. He had looked unwell in a very specific way. One that Erwin had only witnessed a sparse handful of times in his life.

Levi had reacted to being told he was receiving a promotion the way another man would react to news of their own impending execution. He turned this thought over in his mind, wondering at the significance of it.

The stillness that had fallen over Levi at the end of the meeting had been too sudden to be anything more than a momentary ebbing. Erwin was certain that Levi’s resignation had been a matter of temporary submission in the face of immutable resistance and not true defeat.

He put the thought away as he reached his door and began digging in his trouser pocket one handed, in search of his key. He let himself in and was turning automatically to light the lamp on his bedside table when he noticed that he was not alone. He found himself holding his breath as he lowered the globe on the lamp and turned to face his visitor.

Levi was sitting in a chair which he had dragged to the dead center of the cramped room. His posture, slouched with one arm slung over the chair back, suggested an easy casualness that was not reflected in his expression.

His face was set in a grim frown, and his eyes glinted keen and angry in the lamplight under his dark and lowered brows.

“Good evening Erwin,” he said, his voice low and calm but tinged with something mean and foreboding.

“Levi,” Erwin said with a curt nod, in a manner more suited to greeting someone who hadn’t just broken into his locked, private bunk.

“You want to tell me what the fuck you were playing at back there?” Levi asked, his voice still low.

“What do you mean?”

A snarl of annoyance escaped Levi’s throat. “Spare me the bullshit Erwin.” He stood up then, in one lithe motion and regarded him with a leery, tight lipped expression. “Did you think you could trick me into feeling gratitude for swinging in to try and help me get out of something you set me up for in the first place?”

“I hardly need to recommend you for promotions Levi. Your performance does draw attention.” His eyes did not stray from Levi’s face even as Levi closed the distance between them so that they were standing toe to toe.

“Tell me what the fuck you think you’re up to with your feigned shock and your shitty joke of a loophole. What are you trying to do?” This last he punctuated with a two handed shove directed at Erwin’s chest.

Erwin fell back a step, but resquared his feet easily. He frowned slightly and took a moment to study Levi’s face, trying to see beyond what was happening on the surface. This was about more than what had transpired in the commander’s office, he was sure of it.

“I should have spoken to you about it beforehand,” Erwin said.

“What difference would that have made?” Levi demanded, shoving Erwin again, though once more, he remained immobile. “You both made it pretty fucking clear that my not wanting the job doesn’t matter.”

He moved to shove Erwin once more, but this time Erwin caught his hands and pulled him close, robbing him of any leverage. Then with Levi struggling against his chest and his own face pressed to the top of his head he said, “I was wrong not to discuss it with you first.”

“Bullshit,” Levi hissed through clenched teeth, still fighting to free himself.

Erwin shifted his grip on Levi’s wrists and continued. “I should have made the case to you one on one, let you have your say.”

“What would have been the point? It just would’ve been a lecture on how bad the Survey Corps needs squad leaders.”

“We do. And I really do believe you will make an excellent squad leader,” Erwin said.

At that Levi broke free of his grasp and retreated a few paces. His shirt was rumpled and his eyes were wide with hurt and anger.

“No, I won’t.”

“Levi—”

“No,” Levi said, cutting him off. “No. You want to go on about how you should’ve given me a chance to make my case. Then give me a fucking chance.”

Erwin bowed his head in deference. But Levi was pacing the small space, absolutely seething.

“I have no place leading anyone. No one deserves to have me in charge of them. But you and Shadis don’t seem to give a fuck about that. You just want, what is it they’ve been calling me? ‘Humanity’s Strongest.’”

He made a face at this, as though it left a bad taste in his mouth to say it.

“You see that I can follow your orders, and you see that I’m good with the gear, and you think that’ll make me a good leader because you’re focusing on the surface shit. You’re not fucking thinking.”

Erwin was watching all of this with a concerned frown. “You can’t know how you’ll really be as a leader until you’ve been out there with a squad.”

Halting mid stride, Levi jerked his head up to look at Erwin once more. He licked his lips and said, “You stupid bastard. I **have** been in charge of people out there.”

He took a step toward Erwin, his eyes going ever wider. “I have had people who depended on me, who listened to me, and they’re dead now because of me.”

Erwin blinked, a bit shocked in his understanding. “Farlan and Isabel.”

“Yes, Farlan and Isabel, you piece of shit. They’re dead because they listened to me. I even fucking told them, ‘I make the decisions,’ when I told them to stay back. And they listened.” His voice then dropped into a croaky whisper.  “And they’re dead because of it. Because I wanted to kill you myself.”

He looked up then and Erwin saw that his eyes were hard and overly bright.

“Levi.” He reached out a hand to touch him but he flinched away.

“I have no place telling anyone else what to do out there.” He ducked his head and his bangs fell forward obscuring his eyes.

“Levi.” Erwin stepped closer and placed his hands firmly on Levi’s shoulders and found that he was shaking.

“Don’t fucking do this, Erwin.” He sounded desperate and almost childlike in his misery.

Erwin tipped Levi’s chin upward so that he had no choice but to look at him. “You can be great. You can be something real and good for humanity.”

“I swear to fuck.” His voice was near to cracking.

“A good leader should not be able to shrug off losses from bad calls. A good leader knows that their decisions have consequences.”

His fingers were not cruelly tight on Levi’s jaw, but they were firm enough that he could not turn away. So instead he turned his eyes toward the floor.

Erwin did not demand that he look at him, he knew that Levi was hearing what he was saying and so he continued, his voice calm, his fingers moving gently over the line of Levi’s jaw. “Losing Farlan and Isabel was hard on you, as it should have been, but it hasn’t made you meek. You still fly. You still fight.”

He watched the color drain from Levi’s face for the second time that evening. He felt Levi’s throat move against his hand as he swallowed.

“You made a reckless call for selfish reasons and it lost you people you cared about. And you will be a better leader for it.”

Levi’s breath was coming in ragged gasps so he let go and stepped back to give him space and for a long moment Levi was silent save for the hitching of his breath. And then, from between bared teeth, he spat two words.  

“Fuck you.”

In an instant he was close once again though now he grasped the front of Erwin’s shirt, jerking him forward.

“Fuck you.”

He gave another tug, pulling Erwin further down so that their noses almost touched and repeated once more, much louder this time, “Fuck you.” His voice dipped low again and his hands slipped along the front of Erwin’s shirt until his fingers were curled around either side of his collar.

“I’ve already signed the fucking paper. I don’t need you waving Isabel and Farlan under my nose like them dying was some valuable lesson in a fucking officer’s training course.”

They stayed like that for a long moment and Erwin could feel his pulse hammering loudly in his ears.

Then he wetted his lips and looking Levi dead in the eye he said, “I’m sorry.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t want your fucking apologies.”

He shook his head slightly, suddenly looking sad and far away, but not releasing his hold on Erwin’s shirt.

“My intention was not to exploit what happened to them,” Erwin said, trying to duck his head so that Levi could see his face.

Levi released his grip on Erwin’s shirt and draped his hands over Erwin’s shoulders. His head dipped forward, exposing the back of his neck. He was supporting himself on his wrists, hanging from Erwin’s shoulders.

“I don’t need apologies,” he murmured. And then a long moment later, “I need…” he sighed deeply. “I don’t know.”

He laughed, a dark bitter sound. “Fuck, even if I did know, I probably wouldn’t be able to find it.”  

“It wasn’t unfounded of me to say that you will make a good squad leader,” Erwin said, lifting Levi’s wrists from his shoulders, compelling him to stand on his own again. “You will. And I believe that you’ll take good care of the people under your command.”

Levi looked away, his mouth turning down in a grimace of despair. He inhaled deeply through his nose and without looking at Erwin he said, “I really should go start working on that list for Shadis.”

Erwin nodded, sensing that something had changed. Something in Levi’s posture seemed more at ease. He stepped aside to let Levi pass, but did not turn to watch him undo the latch.

The door opened and before Levi could flit away into the darkness of the hall Erwin said, “Goodnight Levi.”

Levi grunted and said, “Yeah. See you in the morning.” With that he slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter took a while. Sorry about that. If you follow me on twitter you know I had a draft almost completely done and then I decided to double check when Erwin became commander and had to throw the whole thing out. I might be posting that version on tumblr in the next few days just because it had some nice prose in it. Check out http://whenilearnedtofly.tumblr.com/ if you're interested. 
> 
> Also, thank you once more to everyone who has taken the time to read this little concept album, I hope you're enjoying it so far.


	3. Vespers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For much of his life Erwin had found that rest came to him most easily in the wake of certainty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off I want to give a huge, heartfelt thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments and even just read the first chapter. I have a giddy little moment over each and everyone.
> 
> Second, I want to apologize for this chapter taking so long, some real life stuff came up.
> 
> Enjoy.

Truly good rest was a luxury for Erwin. Sleep was necessary of course, fatigue was potentially deadly. Erwin made a point to sleep when he could even when it meant slumping over at his desk and waking to a stiff neck.

For much of his life he had found that rest came to him most easily in the wake of certainty. Having the next day planned. The next expedition charted. Returning from beyond the walls and knowing his orders had accomplished some good. Granted, many a night he could only close his eyes because he **knew** that the morning would come.  

That was why he found his restlessness on that particular evening so odd. Never before had he experienced the feeling of having so many of his convictions solidify into truths. Evidence bubbling to the surface on all sides, vindicating his choices and his driving philosophies.

He should have turned in hours before, but instead he was sitting at his empty and well ordered desk, with only the steady amber light of a single lamp to keep him company. He slid the lamp toward him to toy with the wick knob. He raised the braid until the flame began to sputter and smoke and then cranked it back down until barely any wick showed at all and the flame rose steady and as near to white as the cheap kerosine would allow.

He continued this pattern for some minutes, hoping the repetition would distract him from the dark and bitter thoughts skulking  at the edges of his mind. Unsurprisingly such crude attempts at distraction did not work. He pushed the lamp away and looked to the window. He was met with his own reflection, except between the darkness of the glass and the slightly haggard set of his expression, he almost recognized another face.

A long familiar tide of guilt and grief caused his throat to tighten and his hand to clench. He raised his fist as though to strike something and squeezed his eyes closed.

“Foolish.” The word sounded dull in the empty room, but something about the old refrain soothed the pain a little and he lowered his hand to the tabletop and splayed it, palm down on the polished wood.

“Ever the foolish boy Erwin,” he muttered, flexing his fingers.

He allowed a long moment of silence to pass with his head bowed and then he stood and crossed to the window. He strained to see past the reflection looking for something other than the face of a dead man. But beyond the glass there was only the inky blackness of the night, punctuated every so often by the pinprick glow of a lantern lit window below or the stars above.

All the same he knew that somewhere out there a messenger should be reaching Levi’s squad with a coded letter. A warning and the outline of a plan. He had no way of knowing if the missive had made it in time.  He could only have faith. Faith in the rider, faith in the horse. Faith in Levi and the young men and women under his command.

Erwin pressed his forehead to the cool glass.

Levi. He wasn’t sure that Levi was the best distraction from his more self-debasing thoughts. All the same the situation between them bore some consideration and he had been pushing the topic away all day in order to focus on more immediate matters.

Much of what had transpired in the hours immediately following Erwin waking from his coma had taken on a heady air in his memory. Most especially Levi’s rough and desperate kisses and his sleepy only half-conscious confession of love.

None of it had necessarily caught Erwin off guard, he had suspected Levi of harboring feelings for him for some time. Levi had a tendency to linger, to appear by his side having anticipated some need. Completely unbidden, he performed tasks which eased Erwin’s workload and made his day-to-day comings and goings much smoother. These extra tasks were of course beyond, and in many cases below the scope of Levi’s standard duties.

He would have been well within his rights to order Levi not to do the extra work, not to clean his office or bring him tea, especially after he began to suspect the deeper motive behind the other man’s actions. But Erwin had come to depend on the small things that Levi did for him, and as long as the motivation remained nothing more than a suspicion on Erwin’s part, and Levi fulfilled his regular duties, he saw no real harm in it.

Now a simple phrase from Levi had introduced room for doubt in his mind and none of his usual rational nature was stepping up to let him dismiss it. Levi was a soldier, one of Erwin’s strongest weapons.  One of humanity’s strongest weapons. And Erwin could not afford doubt when it came to maneuvering such assets.   
  
If Erwin were to be utterly honest with himself he could not dismiss the handful of more intimate encounters they had shared. He had long since convinced himself that their late night fumblings were nothing more than a venue to fulfill a mutual physical need. There had never been any discernible tenderness between them in those moments and so he had chosen not to read any undertones of emotional desire into their activities.

But if he were to be even more forthright with himself he could not omit the fact that he had continued to share his bed with Levi even after he began to suspect that the other man might have feelings for him. It was entirely possible that he had a much longer history of lying to himself about Levi.  

With a sigh he stepped back from the window so that he could regard his reflection with a searching stare. As he suspected he would, he found nothing enlightening in those inscrutable blue eyes.

The simplest course of action seemed clear. Carry on, issue orders and know that Levi would carry them out as faithfully as he always had. It was the response of a strategist. It was the response of a man with a higher ideal and a greater goal. Thus far it had always been effective regardless of whatever Levi felt about him or he for Levi. And yet, there was something telling him that such an answer might not continue to suffice.

Their last conversation before Levi left for the mountains had been an argument. Less than twenty-four hours later, even with countless new concerns to focus on, Erwin could still easily conjure the image of Levi’s face, twisted and darkened with anxiety to his mind. That miserable expression haunted him, told him that there might come a time when Levi would balk at something he asked of him.  

Erwin had received a summons to appear before the Executive Bureau. The letter had been terse and formal, conveying orders of time and place. It was very typical and altogether an unremarkable piece of correspondence, tightly written with no room for any deeper interpretation. Yet reading it had set Levi’s hackles on edge.

He had stared at Erwin with wide eyes and gritted teeth and said, “Are you really going to pretend like there isn’t more going on here? Fuck Erwin, **I** can see that there’s something not right about this. With everything we learned yesterday and what has obviously gotten back to them. Throw in a bunch of shitty dead MPs and I think we have a fucking situation.”

Erwin had always been one to approach the higher-ups with caution. He had only needed one object lesson on the subject of discretion. And typically Levi responded to summonses from on high  with the same derision and vigilant suspicion with which he regarded all other authority. But that morning there had been something more primal and desperate about Levi’s response.

He had been afraid. Levi hadn’t wanted him to go to Mithras because he was afraid for Erwin’s safety.   Levi understood the same truth that Erwin had first learned as a boy, the lesson that had so recently been reaffirmed thanks to the debriefing in question. He understood that nothing was safe, and unlike Nile Dok he was not content to trust that no harm would befall those he loved.  Life had been rough with him to the point where any tender devotion was a potential set up for terrible loss.

A healthy sense of caution was one thing. Balking in fear was another. And considering the contents of the note he had sent Levi, Erwin suspected that soon they would all have much to fear. If what he was planning came to fruition there would be much more danger to go around than even they had seen so far. He sighed and turned away from the window, it seemed as though more than just their lives would be coming down to a matter of faith.

He didn’t much like the thought. Erwin preferred certainty, but perhaps faith could be something like certainty.

He was reminded once again of his last interaction with Levi. During their argument Levi hadn’t left the couch where he had been sitting when Erwin woke. He had been drinking his morning tea for the entire duration of the conversation, as casual as could be, but tension was apparent in every line of his body. Agitation and fear and anger seemed to spill from him over the thought of Erwin willingly going into the snake pit that was the royal capital.

He had asked if Erwin was being purposefully naive and in response Erwin had climbed out of bed for the first time in a week and crossed the room on unsteady legs until he was standing over Levi who had looked up at him, a defiant light in his eyes, and finished his tea with a single, long gulp. Erwin watched this patiently, waiting until the heavy crockery mug was out of Levi’s hands before he said in a calm and measured voice, “I have too much left to do in this world to allow those excuses for men to do me any harm.”

And then feeling as though something had possessed him he reached down and pressed his hand to Levi’s cheek. Levi grew strangely still at his touch, a questioning look coming into his eyes.  His thumb had wandered to Levi’s lower lip and pressed down there, revealing small, over-crowded teeth.

Levi shook his hand away with a small snarl and stood, only to find that Erwin was standing too close for him to be able to do much of anything. He craned his head back to look into Erwin’s face and regarded him, eyes hard, mouth twisted into a sour frown for a long moment.

Erwin stared back, until at last he broke the silence with the captain’s name. He noted a slight shift in Levi’s posture, an almost imperceptible shiver, but he didn’t dwell on it. Instead he said, “The sun will be up soon.”

“Yeah, I know,” Levi spat back.

Erwin frowned at this. “You have a job to do and so do I. This is no different from any other mission Levi.”

He looked away and Erwin lifted his hand to touch his face again but Levi knocked it down and in one fluid motion rose up on his toes, reaching up a hand to pull Erwin’s head lower and kissed him.

His mouth tasted sweet from the honey in his tea, but that was the only sweetness in the kiss. Levi was all aggression and desperation and more than a little pleading. And then Levi pulled away, and the frown on his face was closer to his typical stern expression, though with their bodies so close he could still sense apprehension in him.

“I’ll be in contact when I can,” Erwin said.

Levi sneered at this and Erwin added, “When it’s safe.”

“Safe,” Levi snorted, then after a moment he said in a much softer voice, “I guess I just have to trust you to know what that is.” After a moment longer, without looking up at Erwin he said, “I need to go now.”

Erwin stepped aside and let him pass freely to the door. He hesitated a moment with his hand on the latch as though about to say something else, but then he threw it open and strode out of the room without a backward glance.

Faith and trust it seemed could be stopgaps for certainty. Faith had gotten Levi out the door that morning. And looking once more toward the darkened window Erwin found himself supposing that if Levi could follow orders on faith,  then he could give orders on faith as well.


	4. Bulwark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you ever think it would have been better if the titans had finished us off?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long, life just dealt me a good hard kick in the teeth and it was hard for me to do much of anything. There will be one more chapter after this and then my little concept album will be complete. Also I switched the order of "Elevation" and "Vespers."

_One year after the fall of Wall Maria_

* * *

 

 

Erwin was waiting for Levi when he climbed up out of the lift cage and onto the top walk of Wall Rose. He was standing near the edge, his back turned to the safety of the interior. Levi paused to take in the sight of him. Pale hair stark against the gloom of the moonless night, posture tall and dignified as ever, his cloak fluttering in the chill night wind.

With a thoughtful frown and a suppressed shiver Levi pulled his own cloak more tightly around his shoulders and he crossed to the far side of the walk. Erwin had sent Levi a note earlier in the evening, asking him to meet him there. Yet when Levi stepped up beside him he made no sound or motion to acknowledge his presence.

Rather than press the matter Levi turned to look out over the dark landscape of Maria territory. He frowned and found himself fighting back a shiver of a very different sort. Looking down on it after dark, after the titans had fallen into their nightly stupor, was unsettling. It was too dark, and too still. The land itself seemed haunted. It made him uneasy and filled him with a creeping sense of dread.

He turned to look back at Trost with its windows lit and it smoking chimneys. Signs of life even on the edge of what was left of the world. Evidence that people were managing to carry on even in the face of death and the threat of titans and what was beginning to feel like it would be an early winter.

It all seemed so precarious. So delicate. More like a collection of dollhouses than a real city full of real lives. It just seemed ridiculous and the longer he stood there the more of a joke it seemed. This bubble of light and life settling down for the night not even a kilometer from the seemingly interminable darkness of a land that had been so thoroughly despoiled just over a year before. People carrying on as though nothing at all were wrong, when in reality the world was set against them. When simple fate was the only reason any of them were still alive.

He stared down at the city with his jaw clenched tight, for so long and with such intensity that when Erwin finally spoke it startled him enough to elicit a small jerk of surprise from his shoulders.

“And what are you thinking about that has you so quiet?” Erwin asked.   

Levi turned to regard him, his lips pressed into a thin, down turned line. After a few seconds he looked away and said, “Do you ever think it would have been better if the titans had finished us off?”

Erwin considered this for a long moment, a contemplative expression on his face. When he did answer he spoke slowly, as though choosing his words carefully. “I think that it’s a tempting idea to fall into. But I also think that it’s one that is ultimately futile.”

“Obviously it’s pointless,” Levi said, his tone dismissive. “Wondering what if is always bullshit. But it’s not like we’re safe. It’s not like they can’t attack again anytime they want. So sometimes I wonder why they didn’t just finish the job.”

Erwin nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, I understand. I would just hate for that thought to defeat you.”

Levi shrugged. “There’s never anything stopping someone from deciding to lay down and die. I’ve seen it happen enough times.” He spared another glance out over Maria territory. “It would happen all of the time in the underground. People who would claw and kill for every scrap of food they could manage would just decide one day that it wasn’t worth it any more. And you just wouldn’t see them any more and someone else would be sleeping in their spot.”

He was still looking out beyond the wall when Erwin pressed his hand to the side of his neck, causing him to jump once more. The skin of his fingers was cold. 

“I don’t think there is a human being alive who isn’t occasionally tempted by thoughts of sucumbing, of following the inevitable path of least resistance,” Erwin said. His hand was still on Levi’s neck and Levi was finding it hard to really focus on what Erwin was saying. “But as the Survey Corps we are a shield for those people down there. We are something between them and that creeping desire for oblivion.”

Levi frowned. Erwin was too close. The smell of him was distracting. Leather, and cheap lye soap, and something else, something musky and almost animal, yet still clean and wholesome and utterly Erwin.

He was aware of a question having been asked. Aware of the silence meant for his answer. He blinked up at Erwin who smiled patiently and repeated his question.

“Do you think that your duty to them is enough to keep those thoughts away?”

Without even pausing to consider it Levi said, “No.” Then before Erwin could respond he pressed his hand to Erwin’s, still lingering on his neck. “I’m not here because of them. I’m here because of you.”

“Well then, am I enough?” Erwin said with a small dismissive laugh.

Levi released Erwin’s hand and tilting his head to the side, regarded him for a long silent moment, Erwin’s smile never faltering. Then, standing on his toes to reach Levi pressed a closed lipped kiss to the corner of Eriwn’s mouth causing him to gasp almost inaudibly. And Levi who was pleased to have surprised Erwin for a change said, “Yes.”   

  
  



	5. Wake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How long can the pain last?

He remembered the last time he had gone to visit his father’s grave with such clarity that he could close his eyes and feel the weight of the air just as it had been on that long ago morning. The sun had not fully risen yet and though the sky was a bright colorless field the graveyard lay in shadow. Each and every blade of grass and clover leaf was weighed down with dew. Water had even collected on his father’s tomb stone, pooling at the bottom of each neatly cut letter until it overflowed and ran down the face of the stone. He remembered being struck by the thought that the stone itself was weeping.

Spilling the tears he himself could not shed, though he wanted to. He could feel the grief pressing on his lungs and on his heart. But it was tangled with a sense of purpose. The very reason he stood in that misty graveyard that morning. It was the day that he left to join the training corps. Still he felt a strange detachment in that moment, reading the name on the stone, reading the dates.

No one had allowed him to see his father's body. There had only been the rough pine coffin which had gone quickly into the ground.  At the time he hadn’t even thought about it, he was a child, freshly orphaned. He was all distress and fear it hadn’t occurred to him that he didn’t know if anyone had washed the body or dressed it properly. It hadn’t occurred to him that the rest of the village didn’t come to their house and sit in the front room. They didn’t lay his father out and toast to his memory. No one covered the mirrors and no women wept in the kitchen.

Just a pine box already nailed shut. A hasty prayer said in the rain and the coffin lowered into the ground. As far as Erwin knew, his father’s remains might not even rest beneath the stone bearing his name. The coffin could be full of stones and he would never know.

He didn’t know when the coffin had been closed. Undoubtedly he had been kept away in some well meaning attempt to protect him. He had been so young after all. But it wasn’t as though he had never been to a wake. He had seen many elderly people buried. People dead from illness or accident, and even another boy his own age. Always he and his father would go and pay their respects, and Erwin would make his way to the front of the room and look down at the bodies in their smart clothes and freshly washed hair and wonder at the no longer aliveness of them.

In later years he came to surmise that the military police had done truly heinous work on his father. And that they had returned the already sealed coffin so that no one would see the extent of the result of their attentions. Or perhaps some well meaning member of the community _had_ seen and decided that a boy so young should not have to see his own father in such condition.

Whatever the reason and whoever the perpetrator Erwin was still left with the mystery and the ache of knowing that he could never know if his father’s remains had been properly cared for.  

It was one of the all consuming ideas that shuffled into his mind alongside his other major preoccupations. Yet another way he managed to betray his father, yet another of his many deficiencies.

An image that haunted him was that of his father being dumped unceremoniously into the coffin, blood and the marks of the military police’s torturers still crusted on his skin, his eyes half open to the darkness that descended when they laid the lid over him and began hammering the nails home.

This image could come upon him with no warning. In full daylight while he was occupied with vital work, robbing him of all productivity and will for a short span of time before he could shake it off and continue on with his day.

At night it was capable of keeping him awake until dawn.  With nothing else to distract him he could dwell on that idea and recount all of his failings to himself. For years Erwin endured this alone, often reduced to silent tears.

But then there was Levi. Levi who knew pain though he never spoke the names of his demons. Just as he never asked the names of Erwin’s.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for this very short chapter taking so very long. My younger sister died last November and for a good long while there I had no interest in a lot of things. This chapter was always going to be about death and funerals, but after my sister died it became a lot more personal to me. She actually proof read the first two chapters of Vigils for me. Thank you for reading.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Vigils](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7082761) by [ZoeBug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeBug/pseuds/ZoeBug)




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